Sunday, February 28, 2010

Too much pain for smiles.

Today is a hard day for me. It's one of the hardest days I have to face...
Today a few years ago, in 2006, my Pappy passed away. It's a really hard thing for me, I've tried to push my attention to other places today, and it's really not working. Demi came over, and brought me a burger, and other friends did things to try and get my mind off of it and that is so great, and I am so thankful and stuff for them but the point is that I can't get it off my mind. I didn't wanna blog about it, I tried blogging earlier to keep happy but I just can't. Today is a depressing day for me. I still love my pappy and think of him every single day. It's so hard for me. I didn't want to release a date really that he died, but I just know that you guys love me,a nd I love you and you guys are such a wonderful support for me... it's just really hard. It gets really hard. And it's hard thinking that he's not here with me today. I try not to think about death, but it's so hard not to. When you know that that person is the only one who could help you with something, and then you remember that they're gone, and you won't see them again anytime soon. It's just weird, when you think about it and say to yourself, 'they're not gonna walk through that door tonight.' it's a hard thing. I try to avoid it as much as possible but it's still a hard thing.
It's hard when people ask you how to deal with things, and you don't even know yourself. I've had so many people ask, "how did you deal with the death of your pappy? My grandpa just died and I don't know what I'm doing." honestly, I don't know what I'm doing either. I try and take it day by day, I think about him everyday in a positive light, I don't think about the death, I think about the good things that happened, the memories, those things.

My pappy was always there for me, he supported everything that I ever wanted to do, and I wouldn't have done any of this without him. He was the one who never let me give up, and he inspired me in singing a lot, if he hadn't loved music so much I wouldn't have wanted to be a part of it. I am so thankful to him. And it makes me think, my pappy loved me and supported me so much, he did so much for me. So why can't complete strangers even just keep their mouths shut about what I wear? It's shocking. And I know that he's watching me, and I know that he's proud of me, for everything that I'm doing. Things happened the way they were suppose to... although I wish my pappy hadn't died from lung cancer, and it'd been more peaceful, I do believe it was his time. I know it was. And I was so depressed when he died, and things and I just held it in. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know which way to go, or what to do. I just stayed quiet, I just smiled and nodded, I never expressed it to anyone, I just kept going, kept going, kept going. And four months later I met the Jonas Brothers, and they made it so easy for me to just cry about it if I needed to, and to talk about it, and helped me write about it. My friends, family, they've all helped me, adn I've helped them to get through these few years and I know we will continue to because it is so hard on all of us. And will continue to be. But he is in a better place, watching us and helping my family. His life created so many oppurtunities for so many people, and even his death continued to help people. Once he'd passed, I created the Pappy Cyrus foundation, a charity and all kinds of thing under his name. His name will continue to live on in a charity, and in lives and everyone else, and especially through me.

I love my pappy, and I don't wanna say much more through respect for him, but I'll try to get out of this depression and this slump of this soon, because I know that he wants me happy, and I love being happy. So thank you everyone for all of your support, and I love you so much for everything you've done, and for supporting me and always making me smile. I love you guys so much.

I love and miss my Pappy, but I know that he's watching me and proud of me and that's what matters. I'll see him again one day.

"You used to call me your angel,
Said I was sent straight down from heaven,
You'd hold me close in your arms,
I love the way you felt so strong,

I never wanted you to leave,
I wanted you stay here holding me,

I miss you, I miss your smile,
And I still shed a tear, every once in a while,
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow,
My heart won't let you go,
And I need you to know,
I miss you, I miss you,

You used to call me your dreamer,
And now I'm living out my dream,
Oh how I wish you could see,
Everything that's happening for me,

I'm thinking back on the past,
It's true that time is flying by too fast,

I miss you, I miss your smile,
And I still shed a tear, every once in a while,
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow,
My heart won't let you go,
And I need you to know,
I miss you, I miss you,

I know you're in a better place,
But I wish that I could see your face,
I know you're where you need to be,
Even though it's not here with me,

I miss you, I miss your smile,
And I still shed a tear, every once in a while,
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow,
My heart won't let you go,
And I need you to know,
I miss you, I miss you,

I miss you, I miss your smile,
And I still shed a tear, every once in a while,
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow,
My heart won't let you go,
And I need you to know,
I miss you, I miss you."


I'm so happy he's not suffering anymore, having lung cancer is such a horrible thing to experience, I'm sure. And he was in a lot of pain too, so I'm so happy that he's resting now, and he's out of pain, and that's how I hopefully will continue to look at it until I see him again.
I miss you, and love you Pappy.

Love always,
Miley

17 comments:

  1. Miley,

    Losing someone is definitely really hard. Especially when you were so close to them. I just lost 2 people really close to me this week to suicide, so I know how you're feeling. And I lost my father a few years back. The most important thing to remember is, is that they are always with you, right there in your heart. And they will remain there always. Their always there for you, and you will see them someday soon. Their in a better place now. Their not suffering, AND their in their permanent home now. Their place on earth, was just a temporary home, a side road to the place where they really belong. They belong at home with GOD. Just remember your pappy is always in your life, and he's not going anywhere. He's watching you always, and you can always talk to him. He is always listening. Its okay to think back on your memories with him, because then you know that the memory of him, is NEVER gone, and therefore, he is not gone from your life. Keep your head up baby girl!

    Lots of Love
    God Bless,
    Ariel
    @ArielDreams3

    ReplyDelete
  2. it's good to let yourself grieve for a day. i know it hurts. it's really good to let it all out, find somebody's shoulder to cry on, write it out, whatever, because you know what happens when it gets bottled up. and everyone will understand if even just this one day a year you need to be alone, to think of him and remember him. love you miley, i hope you feel better tomorrow

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think it's better to be sad and remember him than to keep it all in and not take the time to remember your grandpa and cherish everything you had with him. mine died five years ago and I still miss him all the time. It was hard for me--i never even said goodbye in the hospital because i didnt want to see him that way, but I always regret not telling him how much I loved him or that I would see him again. Your pappy was obviously a wonderful person and he is watching down on you everyday smiling and SO proud. He's part of THOM family and miley army too :)
    So today, do everything you can to remember him: eat his favorite foods, watch his favorite movies, but I hope that you feel better about it very soon. No matter how sad you are right now, he is 10000 times happier in heaven watching down on you and seeing how amazing you are. he would never want anything different. may god bless you and your family on this tough day. youre in my prayers always
    love, paige

    ReplyDelete
  4. I haven't lost anyone close to me like this, but I honestly can't even imagine the pain of losing someone so close to you. I do know that it must hurt so bad sometimes as you said, but I agree with the others - do whatever you can to remember him. Take some time to grieve and get your tears out. Find someone - anyone - and let them know what you're feeling and maybe share some of your pain with them. It's not healthy to keep things bottled up especially things like this. Then do whatever you can to focus on the good things that came from having him in your life. Remember how important he is to you. Keep him alive through you and everything that you do.

    Keeping you in my prayers always :)

    you matter to me & you matter to God. love, sjane

    ReplyDelete
  5. Almost three years ago, I lost my sister in law and she was my best friend. I was thirteen and I was so confused, everyone was concentrating on my brother because you know...that was his partner but I was so alone. My parents ended up splitting up for a while from all the stress, I was mad at my mom so I moved in with my dad who was living at my grandma's house. So, I lived there for a while and I got close to my cousin's boyfriend, who was older than me. Like nine years older, and I trusted him as a brother, but he began sexually abusing me.

    But to this day, even though I've been through all this hell, I always think of Holly (that was her name) and her smile. And how proud she'd be of me, that I stayed strong.

    Look at you, Miley. You're so beautiful, You have a WONDERFUL career. You make little girls smile and you're an amazing role model to all girls and your little sister Noah, and I don't know your pappy. I am sure he was so sweet and the best pappy ever, but I know that he IS so proud of who you are now as a young woman.

    He's watching you...and he wants you to be happy.

    Never forget that.

    I love you, Jesus loves you and EVERYONE loves you.

    Love,
    Taylor.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My grandma died from lung cancer. I can't imagine what she went through. But I have never in my life had a connection like that to somebody, I never cry in front of people, I never spill to them. I just forced a smile, and to be honest, I wish I was stronger like you. You don't know how many times I break down crying at night because of things that happened 2 years ago that I can't forget. You were totally able to become good friends with Nick, but I can't even keep friendships for long, I have a few close friends, but none that I can just cry to. Except for God, that's all :)

    Someone that's amazing is watching you Miley, everyone grieves. You just have to accept the fact that he is in a better place, and he doesn't want you to hurt. It probably hurts him when you hurt. Just keep that in mine, we love you Miley. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I wish I had some sort of advice for you, but I've never lost anyone that means so much to me the way your Pappy obviously means to you. I guess all I can really say is to live your life in a way that honors his memory and makes him proud...and from what I can tell, you are doing just that.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My daddy past away nov. 7 2006 and then my brothers best friend who is like a brother to me past away feb. 23 2006 so that year was hard and both those months are hard to re live all that well every day with out my dad is hard but those days exspecially. i write a letter every year and tie it to a balloon and let it go. and crying is good its letting your emotions out my whole life ive always been told that crying is good so if u need to cry just let it out..I know there is nothing to say to make u feel better cuz there is never anything to say that could make it any less hard besides the love and support of family and friends. Keep ur head up Miley<3

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey Miles... it's been really hard for me to read your blog because RIGHT NOW my grandpa is dying... he's been in agony since friday, and it's been really really hard :( I can't help it but cry, so I totally understand how you feel right now :( I just wanted to tell you this, and let you know we are here for you <3

    xo, Nia

    ReplyDelete
  10. I lost my dad 2yrs ago, he died peacefully in his sleep, I never got a chance to say goodbye,
    but it made me realise that we take it for granted they will always be there, so dont say I love you enough, now he is gone I take a day April 5th, to just think of all the good times we had, and think of him now up in heaven doing maintenance(as he was a builder) looking after the upkeep of heaven, as your pappy has met up with all the music stars we have lost, and is playing in a big supergroup in heaven,think of all the good times you had with your pappy, he would want you to be happy when you remember him, I know its hard but you have SO much support from your family where you can all take a day and just talk about him
    and the good times, and of course your loving fans will always support you, stay well miley,
    freddie x x x

    ReplyDelete
  11. "I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
    and wiped our tears away,
    stepped in and saved the day.
    But once again, I say amen
    and it's still raining
    as the thunder rolls
    I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
    "I'm with you"
    and as Your mercy falls
    I raise my hands and praise
    the God who gives and takes away."

    I LOVE YOU<3
    Godbless. xoxoxox.

    ReplyDelete
  12. When someone you love dies, as time passes people say " I am glad that you have moved on" those are the people who have never experianced the loss of someone very close to them. A piece of you goes with them when they die! I understand loosing someone you love, you never really get over it, but you are comforted by the fact that you know that they are in a better place, and you will see them again someday! Sometimes the pain and anxiety that you feel is as if it just happened, so we need to go through these things, someday someone we love will go through something simular, and we will be there to comfort them, because we have been there ourselves. Pray and ask God to comfort you during these times, He will. I believe our loved ones are watching us from heaven and cheering us on each and every day. I am sure that your pappy is very very proud of you, and is cheering you on everyday! God Bless! Praying for you! Shari

    ReplyDelete
  13. My granddaddy passed away in 1987 and i still cry over him every once in a while, especially when I hear the song "Wing beneath my wings" by Bette Middler... There was also a men that was just like a grandfather to me, he passed away two years ago from colon cancer; was the worst time of my life since I couldn't even say goodbye to him or go to his funeral...
    But I'm sure your pappy is watching over you, guiding you through every step you take and every decision you take. A year and a half ago my mom's friend passed away from cancer, she was so beautiful inside and out, so full of life and laughter, I miss her, her daughter is a great friend of mine and we always end up talking about how great her mom was. I'm getting sad now so I should stop..
    Thank you for sharing this with us, we love you very much and you can count on us always :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think what you said about focusing on the good memories is very important. My motto is, as Dr. Suess once said, "Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened."

    ReplyDelete
  15. hi miley
    i know how you feel,and that there's no words to describe the feeling when someone you love dies.I lost all my grandparents,but I lived with my gran+great grandpa and they both died infront of me.My gran got HIV through being in a car accident,but later died for another cause,but because her immune system was low she didn't make it.She was in ICU for 2wks,(and on life support),but was in a coma until she died,and my great grandad died from a stroke in his room.The worst is seeing them die,and knowing we couldn't do anyhing to help,and feeling so guilty it hurts,and in knowing they'll never be there to say and do the things they normally do,which could be the smallest of things,is very hard.I pray everynight telling the i love them,cause I never got a chance to say goodbye or tell them i love them.I also believe it's remembering the happy times that makes it a little bit easier,and the pictures we have,are memories that we'll keep within our hearts,and although nothing can change the fact they are not here with us,i know in my heart(and i'm sure you do to)they areall in a good place in heaven,watching down on us with a big smile on their faces!

    So my prayers are with you and i wish you and your family all the best!! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  16. I wasn't going to write because I really don't have anything to say that could possibly make you feel any better. But then I realized I wanted to say thank you. My uncle is very sick in the hospital right now, fighting cancer and ... it's not looking very good. And I just feel so bad for him, and my mom, and my aunt. They are still so happy after so many years of marriage and I honestly don't know how my aunt is going to cope. It's so depressing.

    ANYWAYS. I'm rambling and crying now but I really wanted to say thank you for putting yourself out there like this because it honestly makes the rest of us ( look at all the comments ) feel less alone in this. You have a great ability to do that. :)

    I wish I had some great words for you, but I don't. I saw some people wrote some great things, and it's helping me too.

    I hope you are feeling a little better now.

    ReplyDelete
  17. it`s really sad this blog, Miley...
    i know, death is the hardest thing in life that we have to face. the death of someone close. i think i will go insane when this will happen to me. it didn`t happened til now, and i hope it will not soon. i just wouldn't survive.

    i know it`s a really hard thing for you; and i`m really sorry; it`s just.. the life. we have to go through this kind of pain to get mature and to grow up, i guess. and to realize how important are some persons in our lives. sometimes, we can`t appreciate them when are alive, just after they die. and this is a sad thing. but it`s happening a lot.

    i hope you`ll feel better and try to think positive, to think that, in a way, he`s with you now, right now and everytime. to feel him closer to you. it`s hard, i know. and i`m sorry, really sorry for you.

    LY. - Aida. -

    [ Be happy. ]

    ReplyDelete

Followers

About Me

My photo
I am experiencing new things, I am learning new lessons, I am living my life.