It makes no sense to me how people can take someone physically and just tear them down, and tear them apart. I am faced everyday with new challenges, and I know everyday that I have so many people out there waiting for me to fall. What gets me through the day is knowing that there are so many more that want me to smile, including myself.
It is a hard struggle though, having confidence. Maybe a little harder than expected. I have been known for my confidence for a long time. I love myself, I love my body, I love who I am and what I intend to be. But at the end of the day I will always be 17 years old, I will always be a human. As surprising as that may seem to some/most.
I lost my train of thought trying to redo this entire blog a little less depressing, because I am not the same girl I was when I first made this. And I am so happy for that, and thankful to the LORD that I have changed. When I made this blog I was very caught. I was very confused and I was very stuck in my life. I didn't know who I was suppose to be, who I wanted to end up being, who I was in general. And I was really stuck in that, and trying to get happiness from things that weren't within myself. And that was where I messed up. As I've said many many times before, I grew up in Tybee Island. I went and I was depressed, and in the middle of so much going on in my life, and I was hurting and I wanted out of Hollywood and I wanted to learn and experience new things and I did. I met people there on a normal level, like any other kid would meet their friends. I met so many people that are so close to my heart, and I bonded with some old friends that made us closer than ever. I grew up in Tybee Island, in many ways. And when I left I knew I would be happy.
I entered Georgia a very afraid, very confused, very stubborn, very lost, very broken, very hopeless and depressed girl. I left Georgia proud of myself, and loving myself, and full of happiness, and knowing who I was from that experience. I learned to not care who I was before then, and focus on right now. And that was something I truly needed to do.
At the end of the day, I know who I am. I have a new confidence and I have grown. I have always had to grow fast, but Tybee really changed me as a person, as a whole, and I love who I became. And the people around me see how happy I am now. I have never been so happy in my life. I am working so hard in everything that I include myself in. Everything that I participate in gets 110$%. I am so happy in my life right now. Although I am leaving some things behind, I know that more doors are opening. I know that my best friends have my back, I know that my boyfriend will hold my hand through everything, and I know that my family MOST importantly would never leave my side under any circumstances. I will be okay. The point of this entire blog was to really talk about these " haters", these people who sit around at their computers and do nothing but find flaws and tear me down, make fun of me, insult me, and try to intentionally crush me with their words. The LORD made my body the way he made my body. If anything, I would've even mind someone picking on my acting, or my singing, but not on the glorious temple that GOD gave me.
I am surrounded by the most beautiful and sweet people on the planet. Literally. From everything to this blog, to my everyday life and family. And yes, although hearing that someone considers me beautiful is so endearing and so sweet, and it warms my heart... I am still a human at the end of the day. I sometimes wonder if they wake up in the mornings ready and willing to just hurt people about their physical appearance. It hurts my heart that people intentionally want to hurt me and that throughout all of these years, and everything that I've done, I am still faced with the same bullies and demons that I faced when I was young and in school. It is disgusting. People think because they are behind a computer screen they can say whatever they'd like to, and not pay the consequences. And that is very true. And that is very sad. I wish there was more we could do, but unfortunately there isn't. Why cyber-bullying, gossip sites, etc are not something that is taken seriously. No matter what wrongs I have done, what mistakes I have made, I am still a 17 year old girl. I do not deserve to hear people screaming at me that I am a whore to impress their friends while I'm just walking down the street. And that is no uncommon example. I have that happen at least once a day. I don't remember a day that has gone by ( aside from being in Georgia. it is so peaceful there...) that it hasn't happened.
It hurts knowing that myself, and even other people my age have to go through this. Most of my memories are infront of cameras. I hate that I cannot spend a day with my boyfriend without cameras in our faces, and people trying to push us and shove us. A few days ago I was riding my bike to Jamba and when I came out and tried to ride my bike back home, one of the paparazzi tried their hardest to shove me off of my bike on multiple occasions. There should be some laws, something that gives them limits! It is not right at all how people are treated by these " photographers"! It's a disgusting job. There are other ways of keeping food on the table. These are 30-50 year old men! And they follow, yell, push and scream at you. Not all are violent, why they are like this with me is completely beyond me. I have seen paparazzi follow my other friends, for a few examples, Demi Lovato, Nick Jonas, and I have never seen anything violent happen. I sometimes wonder what I did to deserve the negatives of it all, but I do know that it is all worth it. I love what I do, I love acting and my passions, and I wouldn't give it up for the world. Making people smile is my goal in everything that I do. Making myself happy, and others smile is a beautiful accomplishment that I am so happy to be able to do everyday.
Tonight I read an article of someone talking about my dress at The Oscars. Saying that it was age-inappropriate, unflattering, and unfitting. As far as I'm concerned it fit pretty dang well. I need everyone to understand this is the hardest transition time for me. I am breaking apart from Hannah, I am leaving my pop genre music, a very serious movie is coming out, and I have become more edgy. I will be 18 this year. I have to find a way to not only bring the young, fun and rocker side into things, but also the mature and classy to help everyone endure and accept my transition healthily. I honestly expected worse than what this article said but it said some very mean things about me in general, physically. Yes, I do slouch. I am very open about it, I've spoken about it many times. I can help it, yes, but I don't know one person my age, or even older that does not slouch. People have this high expectation on me to be perfect and that will never happen, it's impossible. The dress was originally a wedding gown, and a GORGEOUS one. I was very pelased with everything about the dress and the look. I loved the message it sent as well. It was very glamerous, but also very sexy and also classy - in my own opinion. That is what I was aiming for and I, personally, saw that in it and wasvery pleased. No one can take that from me, including this article or any other.
I just wanted to vent about it, and let everyone know that no matter how " confident" I may be, all of us have a breaking point. And I have reached it. It hurts that people can truly sit and just hate me, and make fun of me, for things that God gave me. I work so hard, and I try so hard to be happy and make others happy. I am enjoying my life and living it freely. Why would someone want to take that away from me? What posesses people to want to hurt, and want to watch me fall. It is beyond me! But I am done with all of this negativity. I am ready to grow from it and move on. I will admit that it did bring down my confidence a lot, not because they offended me but because they tried to say that I was created wrong. That God messed up with me. And that can hurt anyone.
Anyway, I am very happy with my life, and I am so blessed and aware that I am as blessed as I am. I try to take things for granted as least as possible, and I think I have learned how to truly appreciate things the way I should. I have the best of friends around me that support me through every decision, I am so in love with the most amazing man that anyone could ever hope to meet or even just catch a glimpse of. the LORD sent me an angel. In boy form... remind me to thank the big guy upstairs for that one ;) hehe. But he is truly my angel, and he saved me, and I am just so happy and he makes me so happy and I am just loving my life. I love everyone in it, and I hope that these next few months play out as I am praying that they will. I am excited to start travelling, and I am loving being on set, and also working on my last ( VERY) pop record. I am enjoying every moment of my life to the fullest that I can, and I am so thankful I have people there to catch me when they aren't as enjoyable.
Thank you all for listening to my rant, I can't wait to see what the future holds.
- ▼ March (5)